Holding Sacred Space: What to Do When Someone Comes Out to You
Photo credit: p.m.graham
Sacred, holy, spiritual, sacrosanct… These are often thought of as “church-y” words, meaning entitled to reverence and respect; not to be violated, criticized, or tampered with (according to Merriam Webster). We associate these words with the beliefs and ideas we hold most dear, often using them to describe a religious experience or highly meaningful place. I’m going to use them to describe one of the most meaningful experiences we can share with another person - holding space for their coming out as LGBTQIA+.
When someone comes out to you, they are inviting you in - asking you to share a very personal and vulnerable conversation with them. I see this space as holy ground - entitled to reverence and respect; not to be violated, criticized, or tampered with. It’s a privilege to be invited to share this space. Your response can be the difference in how another person views their own coming out experience and how well they are able to move forward in their coming out process.
I write these words in full awareness that earlier in my life, I would have needed this article myself. I didn’t always know how to receive the gift of being invited into this sacred conversation. My words here will not be perfect, and there will always be more that can be said. However, I hope to share what I have learned about how to be a safe, affirming, celebrating person - how to hold sacred space for someone else’s coming out.
If you are well-versed in LGBTQIA+ terms, feel free to skip down to the section entitled “What to Do When Someone Comes Out to You.” If you’d like some basic information before getting into the nitty gritty, keep reading for a bit more education. We’re going to start with an explanation of terms. When someone comes out to you, it can be helpful to understand what part of their identity they are describing.
Basic Terms: LGBTQIA+ and Beyond
What does LGBTQIA+ stand for?
LGBTQIA+ is an evolving acronym that stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual. The "+" represents other identities that are not included in the acronym. The acronym is evolving because we are always understanding more about sexual orientation, sexual and gender identity, and behavior. Changes in this understanding don’t mean that orientations and identities are being “made up” out of nowhere. The changes mean that we are always learning more about human behavior and have gotten better at believing people when they tell us something about how they understand themselves.
2. What are the differences among orientation, identity, and behavior?
Sexual orientation references who someone is romantically or sexually attracted to. For example, we might describe ourselves as heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, etc. to explain what gender(s) we are attracted to. Some members of the LGBTQIA+ community have reclaimed the term “queer” from its use as a slur and choose simply to identify as “queer.”
Sexual identity references how someone sees themselves and chooses to identify, regardless of who they are attracted to or who they are sexually or romantically involved with. For many people, their sexual identity will match their orientation, but this is not always the case. There is nothing “wrong” or “bad” about how someone identifies. A person could also identify one way and later identify another way, depending on their evolving understanding of themselves.
For example, if I am a woman married to a man but am also attracted to women, I could choose to identify as heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or queer (etc.). Or maybe I am questioning and haven’t yet arrived at a full understanding of my sexual identity. Only I can truly describe my own identity and how that identity functions in my life, regardless of what my relationships might look like to others.
Gender identity is a description of the gender someone identifies with in their innermost self, whether that be male, female, a blend of both or neither. If a person’s innermost gender identity does not match up with their gender assigned at birth (the gender on their birth certificate, for instance), they might describe themselves as transgender (or trans), gender fluid, gender queer, nonbinary, agender, or gender expansive. These terms are always evolving, so you might also hear a term not described here. If your innermost gender identity does match up with your gender assigned at birth, you could describe yourself as cisgender. (Note that intersex is a separate biological distinction referring to babies born with reproductive anatomy that does not fit the usual categories of “male” or “female.” Intersex people can also have a range of gender identities.)
Sexual identity and gender identity are not the same thing. Regardless of someone’s gender identity, they might describe their sexual identity and sexual orientation with any of the terms described above. For example, a trans person could additionally identify as straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, or queer (etc.) depending on who they are sexually or romantically attracted to (and how they feel most comfortable identifying).
Even if a person’s gender expression - how they appear on the outside - does not always “match” their described gender identity, this does not make their self-described identity “wrong.” People might choose to present outwardly in a whole range of ways regardless of their internal identity. Remember that you cannot know someone’s gender identity by looking at them. All you know from a person’s outward appearance is what they are currently expressing.
Sexual behavior describes who someone is romantically or sexually involved with. Behavior is a separate category from orientation or identity because we can describe ourselves in a whole host of ways based on our context while engaging in behaviors that might or might not seem consistent from the outside.
For example, I might be male assigned at birth and identify as a heterosexual, cisgender male, married to a cisgender woman, but sometimes also choose to have sex with men (while not choosing to identify as gay or bi or pansexual). I could be a transgender woman married to a cisgender man and appear heterosexual but actually identify as bisexual, pansexual, or asexual - in addition to being trans. Regardless of sexual behavior, how I choose to identify is up to me. You cannot know someone’s sexual orientation just by looking at their current relationship.
3. What about pronouns?
A person’s gender identity is not dependent on their biology, whether or not they are in the process of transitioning, and whether or not they have had any form of gender confirmation surgery. Regardless of the gender a person presents outwardly, when someone asks you to use their preferred pronouns, it is respectful to that person and affirming of their gender identity to use those pronouns (such as she/her, he/him, they/them, he/they, she/they, etc.).
The easiest way to ask someone about their pronouns is to share your own. I could say, “I'm Emily. I use she/her pronouns. What about you?” If you’re unsure of another person’s pronouns and aren’t in a comfortable setting to ask, you can use “they” as a singular pronoun. For example, if someone asks me if my new co-worker Jay is coming to the party, and I’m unsure of Jay’s pronouns or how they identify, I could say, “I’m not sure if they are able to attend.”
The newer use of “they” as a singular pronoun has some folks in a twist, but it might be helpful to remember that language is always growing and evolving. If that doesn’t sound right to you, I might ask wh're didst thee learneth yond? I believe you get the point…
Photo credit: p.m. graham
What to Do When Someone Comes Out to You
So now we get to the heart of the matter. You might already be aware that LGBTQIA+ Pride is celebrated in June, with festivals, parades, memorials, and marches held all over the world throughout the month. You might be wondering how you can best support LGBTQIA+ people, not just in June but all the time? While there are many ways to be a supporter and an ally, one of the most important is to be prepared to respond compassionately to someone who comes out to you. Here are a few keys to remember when you enter this sacred conversation.
Believe Them
Remember, when someone comes out to you, they are inviting you in. This is a vulnerable conversation that they presumably would not be sharing if this part of their identity were not very important to them. This is not the time to respond with, “are you sure?” or even “I knew it all along.” These responses can feel dismissive, and this person likely has already struggled to get to the point of sharing this very vulnerable part of themselves with you. If you have concerns, questions can come later. This is a time to recognize that you are sharing sacred space and to listen with openness.
Listen to Understand
Sometimes in serious conversations, we get stuck in our own thoughts and feelings, especially if we feel uncomfortable or anxious. As much as possible, try to stay present in the conversation, focusing on what the other person is saying to you. There’s no need to come up with something to say when they’re finished speaking because you already know what your response is going to be (see #4).
It will help if you can remember that this is not about you. This is about the person coming out. Your job is to hold the sacred space for them to say what they need to say, and that means being fully present. If the question in your mind is something like, “how can you do this to me?” you can keep that one to yourself for now. This is an excellent time to practice the Ring Theory method of “comfort in, dump out.” You can get support for yourself, just not from the person coming out to you - and not in this moment. Further questions and responses are going to need a later, separate conversation.
Don’t Assume
You might think you know what it means when someone shares their sexual or gender identity with you. Resist the temptation to assume what steps they might take next with relationships or other personal decisions. If a person is coming out as trans, this is not the time to ask whether they are considering gender confirmation surgery. Listen to what they say their identity means to them without your own assumptions or expectations (see #2). If they want to tell you about a relationship or next steps, great! But they might not. If you’re unsure how you can support them best, that’s a great question to ask - “how can I best support you now?” Simple.
If the person does not mention confidentiality, ask them specifically whether you should hold your knowledge of their orientation or identity in confidence. And when in doubt, always hold this information in confidence. Remember, this is a sacred conversation - entitled to reverence and respect; not to be violated, criticized, or tampered with.
Affirm with Gratitude
The best, first thing you can say to someone who’s just come out to you? “Thank you for telling me. I am so grateful that you trusted me with this conversation.” Depending on your relationship with the person, you might also affirm your love for them, your care for them, the importance of their place in your life - any affirming, validating response. “I’m proud of you” can be an important one. A person of faith might offer assurance of God’s love: “You are a beloved child of God in every part and in every way.” When appropriate, offer a hug. If you say something not-so-affirming that you later regret, apologize for it as soon as possible.
Know the Difference between Tolerating and Celebrating
At this point, I’m asking you to divert from the path of being a “safe” or “welcoming” person and to start down the road of being a “celebrating” person. On this road, we don’t believe that people are loved despite their sexual or gender identity. We believe that these identities are an essential part of each human and that each human is created by God in all our diversity of sexual orientations and gender identities. This is not “I love you no matter what,” which implies that someone’s identity or orientation is somehow a flaw that needs to be overlooked. This is “I love you exactly the way you are.”
Closing Thoughts
Thank you for taking the time to consider how best to hold sacred space for another’s coming out. We are humans with flaws and will not always respond to others in the ways we later wish we had. This is the place of humility, apology, and repair. However, the more we prepare ourselves for believing others, listening to understand them, and affirming and celebrating who they are, the better chance we have of rising to meet these conversations when they come. When you are invited in to this sacred space - be a respectful guest.
For Further Resources
If you are struggling to come out or to hold space for others’ coming out, there are many resources available to assist you with support or further learning. Supporting a child who is coming out might particularly require additional resources. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me for assistance.
If you are in crisis, the following support lines are available to you:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988 (call or text; to text with a Spanish-speaking crisis counselor, text "AYUDA" to 988)
Trevor Project LGBTQ+ Crisis Hotline: 866-488-7386 (24/7)
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860
Emily Browning, MSW, LCSW, ACHP-SW, M.Div., CCTP is a clinical social worker, ordained minister, and private practice owner in Philadelphia, PA, specializing in therapy services for professional and family caregivers dealing with stress, anxiety, and burnout and for adults coping with grief, loss, life transitions, and serious illness.
