When Someone You Love is Grieving
Sarah’s partner died after a brief illness earlier this year. She expects the holiday season will be hard as she navigates celebrations with family and friends - all those people who seem happy while she still feels really sad. Although she normally has people she counts on for support, Sarah doesn’t tell anyone about her worries and sadness. “I’ll just bring them down,” she thinks, “and no one will know what to say anyway. It’s better if I just put on a happy face.”
Sarah represents a lot of grieving people I’ve met over the years. Many have shared that they don’t talk with loved ones about their grief because they don’t want to “burden them.” Others keep silent out of fear that their attempts to share their grief will be met with awkwardness or well-intentioned but sometimes hurtful comments.
Grief is as individual as those who experience it, so there’s no such thing as a “how-to” guide for helping a grieving friend. Part of supporting a person in mourning is to sensitively assess what would be most helpful to them given their personality and circumstances. However, there is some general guidance we can all keep in mind for more effectively supporting a loved one who is grieving. I’m indebted to mourners who have shared with me over the years the support strategies that have been most helpful to them.
Supporting a Grieving Friend
Acknowledge their loss.
Many grieving people feel unacknowledged in the world. They are carrying heavy emotions - often for months or years after their initial loss - but when the funeral is over, many of them begin to feel that their grief is invisible.
We live in a society that does not provide us with outward signs of mourning, such as wearing black for a year after a loved one has died. By the time the next grief wave hits, the mourner might feel that no one remembers their loss or is interested in how they are doing. Their fears might be confirmed when well-intentioned loved ones shy away from mentioning the loss from fear of upsetting the person who is grieving.
Of course, most mourners are probably already thinking about their loss, especially on an occasion (such as a holiday) when the person they lost normally would be present. While the needs of each person may differ, a check-in is appreciated by most who are grieving. Simple acknowledgement can go a long way toward helping a grieving loved one to feel seen and validated. A holiday card can wish a person comfort and peace instead of the joy of the holiday season, especially if a loss was recent.
If you will be hosting a holiday gathering that will include someone who was bereaved in the past year, consider checking in with them beforehand about whether they would appreciate a small remembrance of the person who will not be present this year. A moment of silence, a prayer, a special flower in a vase, or a time for other guests to tell a story about the loved one who is absent can all be healing remembrances for those who are grieving.
Acknowledge their emotions.
None of us always knows the perfect thing to say when a loved one is struggling. We may have difficulty with strong emotions and would prefer that those around us move through their grief and get back to “normal” as quickly as possible.
Grief does not work that way. Everyone will move through grief at their own pace. And they will not “get over it.” Ultimately, they will find a new normal, but they likely will continue to cope with grief waves for a long time after their initial loss.
If your loved one is crying or visibly sad, your job is not to try and fix it. They have the right to experience their feelings. Instead of trying to talk them out of their emotions, consider a simple statement such as, “You seem so sad right now. I’m here if you want to talk.” Or hold their hand quietly and let them cry if that is in keeping with their needs.
If loved one is more than 6 months past their loss and still seems overwhelmed with grief on more days than not, consider a gentle check-in about whether they would appreciate talking with a professional counselor about their grief. Grief support groups also can be helpful, and many are offered free of charge. Ongoing waves of grief are normal, but grief can also coincide with depression or become more complicated for a small percentage of mourners.
Allow others to grieve in their own way.
Our words of advice, however well-intentioned, are usually not what a grieving person wants to hear. More often, they would rather be asked how they are doing, and asked in a real way, not by someone who really just wants them to say, “I’m fine.” Because often, they’re not fine, and they need someone to sit with them in feeling “not fine.” “How are you feeling today?” can be a better question than just “How are you?”
If you have shared a similar experience and are asked for advice, then your words might be helpful. However, unless this is the case, here are some general guidelines for avoiding approaches that often are not viewed as supportive.
Less helpful words:
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“The same thing happened to me.”
“Shouldn’t you be…?”
“She’s in a better place now.” (Avoid using any clichès.)
More helpful words:
“I can only begin to imagine what you’re going through.”
“I don’t always know what to say, but I’m here.”
“Have some days been harder for you than others?”
“Is there anything that’s bringing you comfort?”
4. Offer practical support.
A key to offering practical support seems to be offering a finite range of options. Asking “is there anything I can do for you?” might be too broad a question for someone who is feeling overwhelmed. Instead, consider offering a few choices of ways you’re willing to help.
As much as possible, try to put yourself in the shoes of the person who is grieving. What might their needs be at this point in the grieving process? If they lost someone who had a really significant role in their household, they might need help with immediate things like having a meal prepared, mowing the lawn, or getting a ride to a doctor’s appointment. You can offer very concrete forms of assistance and allow the person to say no if that’s really not what they need.
If the loss happened weeks or months ago, and the mourner still seems to be having trouble leaving the house, consider offering a visit to their home or a quick trip out for a walk or coffee. If the person doesn’t feel up to it, they can say no. If you are gentle in your offer and understand they might not feel up to meeting, the person grieving likely will appreciate the offer and might take you up on it later.
5. Remember significant anniversaries.
Mourners often speak of feeling alone around important birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, especially if they are months or years past their loss. They might feel that everyone else has forgotten their grief. A short note or call acknowledging the ongoing difficulty of a loved one’s loss is often appropriate.
If someone very close to you has experienced a loss, consider offering to spend a day or attend an event together on a significant anniversary. If there is a season that is particularly difficult for the person who is grieving, they might appreciate having something to look forward to during that time.
None of us will remember every significant date for every person around us who is grieving. However, it can be helpful to mark the calendar for significant dates for those closest to us so that we remember to check in at least occasionally.
A Reminder about Empathy
Supporting a grieving friend can feel overwhelming. However, often the worst thing we can do is nothing. Approach mourners with empathy, simply seeking to understand and identify with their emotions. Ask them how they’re doing, knowing that sometimes the answer will be, “not good.” Stop, listen, and let the grieving person guide you as to how you can best support them. Make gentle efforts to support and connect, remembering that acknowledgement is often the most important piece, and that’s something we all can do.
Want to talk with someone about grieving a loss in your life? I’m here. You don’t have to do this alone.
