Feeling the Holiday Pressure? Quick Tips to Keep Your Cool
At their best, holidays may evoke feelings of joy and goodwill. However, they can also be times of extra stress and emotional upheaval, especially for those who find it difficult to spend extended time with family.
Whether you’re about to blow your top while sitting in interstate traffic or at the dinner table with Uncle Dave, here are some tips to help you keep your cool throughout the holiday season.
Quick Tips
Stop, Drop, and Breathe
When you begin to tense up with stress or anger, STOP what you are doing (even if it’s just for a moment), DROP your shoulders down away from your ears, and BREATHE deeply into your abdomen. If you’re sitting down, plant both feet firmly on the floor. Just the simple act of deep breathing will begin to activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which combats the body’s natural “fight or flight” response to stress.
STOPP
If you have an extra moment to pause in a stressful situation (like after you’ve left the dinner table to escape Uncle Dave):
Stop what you are doing.
Take several deep breaths.
Observe yourself as if you were a third party. What do you see? How
do you feel? Can you reframe your thoughts at all?
Praise yourself for making it this far.
Proceed while feeling more present with yourself.
STOPP is a brief exercise in mindfulness, which is really just taking a moment to ground ourselves and to focus on the moment. Being present in this way can help us feel less overwhelmed and more aware of our emotions, both of which help us to stay more emotionally regulated.
Example: After stopping and taking a few deep breaths, have a simple conversation with yourself as if you were observing yourself from the outside. “You are feeling really hurt and angry because Uncle Dave criticized your famous jello salad. However, you did a great job with your special dish this year. Aunt Sue said she really loved it. Uncle Dave finds something to criticize every year, and his criticism is not a reflection on you. I’m proud of you for staying calm and not dumping the jello dish over his head. You can get through the rest of dinner - I’ve got you!”
3. HALT
Feeling some difficult emotions and you’re not sure why? Do this quick scan to assess whether the real issue is one of these common emotional dysregulators. You might find the source of your trouble is something you can address quickly, or at least begin to work through. Do you feel:
Hungry?
Angry?
Lonely?
Tired?
If so, what can you do to address this feeling so you can cope a little better?
4. Find your filter
You might find yourself feeling hurt or angry in a conversation with a family member or friend. Often our first reaction is to respond defensively, but this is unlikely to get satisfactory results and may escalate the situation to the point where further conversation isn’t possible. It can be helpful to get a “bird’s-eye” perspective on our emotions to avoid feeling overwhelmed, and this usually means taking a split second to reflect rather than responding reflexively in anger.
Give yourself that split second by picturing a filter between you and your conversation partner. I like to think of mine as a giant soap bubble. It’s supple enough that I can allow helpful words and emotions to filter through it, but it’s firm enough that I can choose to keep unhelpful words and emotions at a distance. The opposite of this is being a sponge, in which case we soak in someone else’s hurtful words and allow them to become part of us.
If the conversation is just a matter of different opinions, you might be able to continue speaking without anger and to develop some empathy for the other person’s point of view. By the way, this doesn’t mean agreeing - it means developing some understanding of why the other person thinks the way they do. You can even ask them to help you understand their point of view, which is likely to help de-escalate any anger they might be feeling.
Example: “I know we’ll probably never agree on this topic, but I’d like to understand where you’re coming from. Could you help me understand what led you to this conclusion?”
Of course, if you are dealing with verbal abuse and personal attacks, you do not need to stay in that situation. Get yourself out of there when needed and touch base with someone you trust.
5. Create good boundaries
It’s all well and good to learn better strategies for emotional regulation and for coping with difficult conversations: we need these coping tools because some situations where we feel hurt and anger will be unavoidable. However, we can also be prepared ahead of time when we know we might confront emotional triggers.
Maybe you’ll go to mom’s house for a holiday dinner but let her know you’ll be staying for a few hours rather than all day.
Is it someone else’s turn to sit next to Uncle Dave this year? Consider planning this with your host (or a co-conspiring guest) ahead of time.
Perhaps this is the year to celebrate a holiday with “chosen family” such as close friends or even to take a vacation with a loved one rather than attend the big family gathering.
If you know you’re going to be stressed by traffic jams, plan something fun for the car ride, like listening to an audio book or a podcast everyone will enjoy. Is there a fun place to stop along the road for a snack or a quick walk?
Take time out for yourself during the holidays. Even if it’s just for a few minutes: take a walk, call a friend, watch a funny video, read a book, or write in your journal. Center yourself before, during, and after stressful events.
What else can you do to take care of yourself when the season becomes difficult?
However you spend the holidays this year, keep some of these tools in your back pocket. Practicing them when you’re not super stressed will help you to utilize them more naturally when you’re under pressure. Holidays aren’t always easy, but a little preparation goes a long way toward helping you keep your cool when things get tough.
Want to talk with someone about coping with holiday stress and family conflict? I’m here. You don’t have to do this alone.
