IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU! And other stuff sick people wish they could say.
In my work with clients coping with serious illness, grief, and major life transitions, I hear about a lot of the s**t other people say to them. Clients already going through tough times often feel angry and hurt when others are not able to validate their emotions or instead offer ill-placed advice. These stressed and overwhelmed clients also seldom have the energy to explain this to the well-meaning people in their lives who are saying and doing things that are not helpful. I truly don’t mean to denigrate others’ efforts to support - it’s just that some folks really don’t know what to say. They want to offer comfort but don’t know how.
My client was in the hospital just after giving birth to her first baby. Like many new mothers, she was exhausted, sore, overwhelmed, and trying to figure out how to care for this small human who had suddenly arrived in her world. Immediate family members were invited to visit, but my client and her partner asked that others respect the privacy they needed to rest and to bond as a new family unit.
Photo credit: p.m.graham
While most friends, colleagues, and others connected with the couple respected their wishes, one acquaintance - let’s call her “Jackie” - couldn’t quite get that they were serious when they said, “no visitors, please.” Jackie called and texted the new mom repeatedly within days after the baby’s birth, asking when she could drop off a gift and meet the baby. Finally, Jackie sent the text that ended her relationship with my client: “You’re being really selfish.” Did the new mom feel supported by Jackie’s offers of a visit and a gift? Nope. She felt crowded, disrespected, and ultimately very angry.
So What?
Perhaps you have a sense that Jackie’s behavior was not quite right but have difficulty putting your finger on exactly why it was wrong. After all, isn’t it admirable to offer support to new parents by visiting and giving a gift? Couldn’t the new mom have just put on a happy face and received the visitor? Was it selfish to refuse the offer of a visit in the aftermath of a new arrival?
Here’s the thing: in this scenario the new parents were the ones having the central experience. They were the ones in the hospital learning to be parents to an infant. They were the ones feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. They were the ones asking clearly for what they needed from their friends and family.
Jackie’s job in this case was not to decide what support was needed. Jackie’s job was to listen to the parents - the ones having the central experience - and to support them in the way they asked. If she felt hurt not to be invited to visit and meet the baby, she would be within her rights to share her feelings with a friend outside of the situation, but not to complain to the new mom.
Worried you might make a similar error? After all, we are confronted regularly with the difficult experiences of others. Or maybe you’re thinking, “I would never say something like that to a new parent!” That’s likely true for many of us, but navigating how to support someone with a new baby likely pales in comparison to figuring out how to support someone going through a major loss or diagnosis of a serious illness. How do we know what to say and how to be supportive when others are going through life transitions or tough times? This is where the beautifully simple tenets of Dr. Susan Silk’s Ring Theory come in handy.
How Ring Theory Works
A representation of Susan Silk’s Ring Theory
When a person in your life is going through a hard time such as an illness, divorce, or bereavement and your question is “how can I not say the wrong thing to them?” Ring Theory provides a simple answer: comfort in, dump out.
The person having the central experience - the person who is ill or who is most directly experiencing the loss, injury, or life event - is in the center of the ring. That person gets to dump out into all the outer rings. They can complain, cry, or ask for support from friends, family, colleagues - all the outer rings. (And yes, there are boundaries to be managed there, too, but that’s a topic for another day!)
The job of those in the outer rings is to provide comfort in to the folks in the rings closer to the center. For example, an close friend might provide a listening ear for the person who is ill or that person’s significant other. What’s not appropriate is for someone in an outer ring to dump their complaint/anxiety/discomfort further into the center. The close friend of the ill person can ask for help from circles further out of the center from their own, but not from the circles further in.
When Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist, was diagnosed with breast cancer, she describes learning a lot about how those around her coped with her diagnosis. Among the more difficult responses to manage were the comments of those who made Susan’s illness about themselves rather than about her. For instance, a friend might say to her, “seeing you like this is just so hard for me.” In that case, the friend’s mistake is dumping in to the person in the center of the ring. A close friend of a sick person can dump out to their own family or a friend not as close to the sick person, but it’s not appropriate to dump in to the central person, their significant other or family member. To help conceptualize this, Dr. Silk created Ring Theory.
What CAN I Say?
What you can do is offer support and validate the emotions of the people in the more central rings. You can offer to mow a lawn, bring a dinner, drive a kid to baseball practice, or provide any practical support that is welcomed by the people in the more central rings. If you offer and they say no thanks, then graciously accept the refusal. Or ask if there is anything that would be more helpful to them.
Validating someone else’s emotions is very different from offering them your own emotions to deal with. Instead of, “I hate seeing you like this” try:
“I can only imagine how hard this treatment has been for you.”
Instead of, “This is such a tragedy. I can hardly stand to think about it,” try:
“This must be so painful. I am so sorry for what you’re going through.”
Remember, you can dump your own pain, sorrow, and discomfort into rings further to the outside from yours - just not into rings further to the center from yours.
Photo credit: p.m.graham
When you want to vent and process your own emotions with someone, first ask yourself - what ring am I in? Is this person’s ring further toward the center or further away from the center than mine? If this person’s ring is further toward the center - stop! Your job is to provide comfort - not to ask for it from this person. We’re all entitled to receive support; it’s who we ask to comfort us that’s the important factor.
To Learn More
If you’d like to know more about how to support a grieving friend, check out this post for some concrete tips and helpful words and phrases to use. Or try this post for more guidance about how to validate another person’s feelings.
If you’re struggling to cope with a recent loss, difficult transition, or diagnosis of a serious illness, please reach out. You don’t have to do this alone.
