Two Simple Steps for Better Communication
If you reflect quickly on your most frustrating moments of the past month, you likely will realize that a number of those moments were rooted in miscommunication. “You never listen to me!” “She just doesn’t understand.” “Didn’t you hear what I said?” “If you’d just taken my advice…” These kinds of thoughts are often associated with frustrating moments in communication and are rooted in confusion, defensiveness, and hurt feelings.
The need to be heard and understood is one most of us share. Yet we may often feel misunderstood by our partners, parents, children, friends, or colleagues. Moreover, it’s likely that some of those important people in our lives don’t always feel heard and understood by us. When we misunderstand one another, we often end up feeling frustrated and hurt.
None of us will ever be the perfect listener, and none of us will be heard and understood by all people all the time. This is VERY important to remember: some people in our lives will not be able to listen the way we would prefer, and often we cannot change this. However, we can take steps to communicate our own feelings and needs more clearly and to listen to others more deeply. This may often help others to hear us with less confusion and defensiveness, shifting unhelpful patterns and helping us to feel more connected. We will be clearer in our communication when we remember to acknowledge and articulate emotions.
Acknowledge
Acknowledging is about listening – and ensuring the person speaking to you knows that you are hearing and trying to understand. It’s very tempting in communication to think more about what we want to say than actually attending to the person who is speaking. That might sound something like this...
Jane: I’m so upset. My son is failing math again, and I don’t know how to help him. If he would just study more, I really think he could pass. It drives me crazy that he won’t work harder in school!
Kate: Oh, I KNOW!! My daughter has been putting off writing her college essays for months, and if she doesn’t start soon she’ll never do well enough to get into her top choice.
Do you think Jane feels heard and understood in this conversation? Probably not – and why is that? Because instead of acknowledging Jane’s emotions (anger, fear, frustration, worry, etc.), Kate moves straight into telling her own worries and fears. The moment in this conversation for Kate to share her own worries would likely come, but if she wants Jane to feel heard she first needs to acknowledge and validate Jane’s emotions. That might sound something like this…
Jane: I’m so upset. My son is failing math again, and I don’t know how to help him. If he would just study more, I really think he could pass. It drives me crazy that he won’t work harder in school!
Kate: Wow – that must be so tough. I can tell how worried you are about your son. It’s really frustrating sometimes to figure out how to help these kids! How are you managing it all?
Super different approach, right? In this scenario, Jane is much more likely to feel heard and validated, and then Kate can share her own worries. It’s also possible that Kate didn’t really understand Jane’s emotions and might guess wrong about how Jane is feeling. This can also be OK because then Jane has the opportunity to clarify how she is actually feeling. They are more likely to leave this conversation feeling connected and understood. Without the listener acknowledging and validating their emotions (at least sometimes!), others often will not really feel heard.
Articulate
Articulating is about clearly expressing our own feelings and needs. If we are honest with ourselves, we may realize that we sometimes expect others to read our minds and then feel angry and hurt when they don’t understand us. Articulating our own emotions and desires prevents us from placing that unrealistic expectation on those around us.
Telling someone else how we feel can be difficult because it requires us to be more vulnerable. If I’m out with friends and having trouble engaging because I feel sad about something that happened to me yesterday, I can sit quietly and disengage and later feel upset that no one asked me what was wrong. Alternatively, I can say to my friends, “I feel really sad tonight because ______ happened yesterday. It would really help me to talk about it with you guys. Would that be OK?”
Some of us find it easy to say what we need, and others struggle with it a lot. If articulating your needs is hard for you, remember that saying what you need is not the same as making a demand. It is being honest and clear about what would help you. However, asking for what you need without saying how you feel might just come across as demanding.
If you scream at your partner, “I’ve told you a thousand times to take the garbage out!!” that is not articulating your emotions. However, if you say “I feel really anxious that the trash truck will come before the garbage has been taken out, and we will be stuck with this smelly garbage for another week. It would help me a lot if you took the garbage out to the curb the night before pick-up,” that gives a lot more information about the impact on you and why you are making this request. It’s also a much more respectful way to ask someone to help meet your need.
Final Thoughts
Acknowledging others’ emotions and clearly articulating our own emotions and needs are great first steps in improving communication patterns. You can try this at home, with friends, and at work. You can be sure to acknowledge and validate others’ emotions and also articulate your own emotions and needs around how you best feel heard and understood. These steps might be simple, but they’re not necessarily easy. It will take intentional effort to change how you communicate.
Remember: you can only change your own approach. There are some people who might never be good listeners, even if you communicate to the best of your ability. There will be times when you adjust your style without seeing a big change in others, but often even a subtle shift can go a long way toward improving communication. Ultimately, utilizing these skills can deepen relationships and help us all feel more connected.
Communication skills don’t come naturally to everyone, but almost anyone can learn to improve their approach. Want to talk with someone about communicating more effectively to deepen relationships? You don’t have to do this alone.
