How to Find an Anchor When You Feel Adrift
I’ve been hearing the word “unmoored” a lot recently when listening to others describe their current experience of ongoing pandemic life. A quick Google search gives the definition of an unmoored person as “insecure, confused, or lacking contact with reality.” Though this is a helpful definition, I think many people using the word are thinking of the term as it’s used to describe boats or ships. A watercraft that is no longer anchored or “moored” is often thought of as drifting - perhaps aimlessly - at sea.
Feeling adrift in life can be descriptive of a host of related emotions. For example, it could connote boredom, exhaustion, emptiness, loneliness, or deeper questions about what makes life meaningful. All of these emotions can be triggered by internal factors as well as factors outside of us that impact our lives and our ability to cope with stressors.
Why Do We Feel Unmoored?
Shifting Patterns. Of the many changes the pandemic has wrought in our lives, one impact seems to be a wider sense that we are adrift, still disconnected from a number of the realities that made up our lives two years ago. Social connections, work environments, family relationships, travel and leisure patterns, and daily routines are among some of the life changes we could name. We don’t always realize the extent to which we are grounded by the usual routines and patterns of life. For some, disruptions in these patterns may cause temporary changes in mood that are quickly remedied; for others, they can lead to more serious instances of deteriorating mental health.
Social Isolation. Whether you consider yourself a very social person or crave more time to yourself, most of us need some level of social connection to feel satisfied with life. Factors such as working from home and avoiding family or social gatherings have a profound impact on our usual patterns of connecting with others around us. Over time, we may notice that our relationships have suffered from this disconnection or that we are feeling isolated, bored, or lonely.
Grief. Grief is a natural response to experiencing loss - of a person, a pet, a relationship, a career, an important life event, a physical ability, and a host of other losses we could name. The cumulative losses of the past two years have been significant for many and devastating for some. Grief typically continues to hit in waves for weeks, months, or even years after we experience a loss, and so many in our communities are still grieving and will be for a long time to come. The process of grieving can engender feelings of drifting or being at sea in a world that seems to be moving on.
Stress. Stressors related to work, family, and community responsibilities can feel overwhelming at times. When we know we will be busy and stressed for a limited amount of time, we sometimes turn away from enjoyable activities and support systems to take care of responsibilities, knowing that we will re-engage when the acute stressors have passed. When stress is prolonged, however, we might unintentionally disengage in ways that hinder our ability to care for ourselves over time. When we resurface from the stress, we might realize it’s harder to connect with the people and activities we once found supportive.
Trauma. Trauma is a normal stress response experienced by those who are exposed to a traumatic event. The body and brain are wired to react in fight, flight, or freeze responses to such events. Some people who experience a traumatic event will work through the resulting trauma response fairly quickly, often by talking with others about their experience over time and perhaps with a course of psychotherapy. Others, however, whether due to the type of traumatic event or a host of other internal and external factors, will be impacted in ways that cause lingering distress such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
In PTSD, a person’s feeling of personal safety is jeopardized, and re-experiencing the trauma through invasive thoughts and nightmares may persist for years. It’s also common for those coping with ongoing trauma to feel stuck in a fight, flight, or freeze response. This trauma response is unlikely to be processed effectively without professional assistance and often involves addressing the trauma that is held in the body as well as in the brain. If you think you might be experiencing PTSD, I encourage you to speak with a trauma professional who is skilled in some type of somatic therapy, meaning that trauma is processed through the body as well as through the mind and emotions.
Anxiety, Depression, and other Mental Health Issues. You might realize that the feeling of being unmoored persists and is a sign of a deeper and ongoing issue. For instance, many have found that anxiety and depression have developed or worsened over the course of the pandemic. If you think you might be dealing with a mental health diagnosis, it’s important to talk with someone you trust, such as a therapist or other healthcare provider, to assess what sort of treatment might be most helpful.
What Do We Do When We Feel Unmoored?
The best way to cope with feeling “adrift” can depend on the source of those emotions for you. If you realize you are grieving, for example, you will likely cope a little differently than if you realize you are experiencing lots of extra stressors at work and at home. However, some common coping strategies could assist with an array of emotional sources. It can be helpful to practice a variety of strategies to see what works best for you.
Reconnect with meaningful relationships. Many of us have felt more isolated than usual over the past two years. Though some need more social interaction than others, we are social creatures not built to be alone. Have you lost touch with someone you miss? Try reaching out. Regular meals, drinks, or walks with trusted family members or friends can deepen our sense of social connection. It takes energy for some of us to reach out, and it’s OK to start small if this is hard for you. If you’re a person unable to leave your home, consider making phone calls or even writing letters to friends.
Consider and keep personal boundaries. When we feel stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, it’s sometimes because we are consistently caring for others at our own expense. Some struggle with feeling selfish when they take care of themselves, but it can be useful to remember that a goal of self-care is to enhance our own ability to bring our best selves to others. When we feel burned out and exhausted because we aren’t keeping healthy boundaries around our own self-care, we can’t effectively help others. Think about what boundaries you can keep so you’re not constantly losing yourself in others’ needs.
Set a schedule and commit to following it. Working from home, having kids home from school unexpectedly, and changing plans due to illness or quarantine can all wreak havoc on routines. Without being rigid and inflexible, consider setting a general schedule for your day. Knowing where you want to be at certain times of the day and how much time you want to spend on each task can help keep you focused. When the routine falls apart sometimes, remind yourself that it’s OK. You’ll get back to it when you can. Ask for help if you need more accountability for staying in a routine.
Practice grounding yourself. Grounding refers to the practice of connecting yourself with the earth, centering yourself in time and space. When you feel unmoored, bringing yourself back to the present for a few moments each day can help to realign scattered thoughts and emotions. Practicing grounding will help you to feel more centered over time and to regain equilibrium more quickly when you feel overwhelmed. Here is a simple exercise to try. You can do it with or without a writing component. If at any time you notice that you feel extremely tense or unsafe, stop the exercise and focus on an object in your space until you feel calmer.
Sit up straight, placing both feet on the floor or the ground
Breathe comfortably, dropping your shoulders away from your ears
Notice the feeling of your feet on the floor and your seat against your chair or the ground. Sense the support of the earth holding you as your feet are rooted to the ground or the floor.
Remind yourself where and when you are. (Example: I’m in my office in Philadelphia, PA, and it’s a rainy Tuesday morning.)
Notice your body if that’s comfortable for you. Notice any places of tension or relaxation without trying to change them. (If writing helps you feel more centered, jot down a few words about what you are noticing in your body.)
If it’s comfortable for you, notice your breathing without trying to change it. Just notice what is. (If writing helps you feel more centered, jot down a few words about what you are noticing in your breathing.)
Notice your thoughts if that’s comfortable for you. Are they calm, anxious, swirling? Notice them without trying to change them. (If writing helps you feel more centered, jot down a few words about what you are noticing in your thoughts.)
Return your attention to the feeling of your feet on the ground. Remind yourself that you are present here, now.
When you are ready, return to your day.
Spend time with something beautiful or that creates a sense of wonder. There is research data to suggest that we can build resilience to stress through spending time with sights and sounds that inspire us and fill us with awe. These experiences may also help re-connect us with those things we find meaningful in life. If such a site exists in your life and you have the means to visit it, plan a trip to that place. If it’s not possible to visit such a place, consider reflecting on a photo, a piece of artwork, or a piece of music that you find beautiful and inspiring. If you are an artist, perhaps you want to photograph, draw, or otherwise honor through your medium a place that inspires you.
Develop a buddy system. The buddy system has been helpful to some healthcare workers as part of trauma first aid as they navigate the pandemic. However, there’s no reason this system couldn’t work for any of us who want to implement it. Designate a trusted person you’d like to have as your “buddy.” For a designated period of time (weeks, months, etc.) plan to meet with that person, either in-person or virtually, once a week. Each person can spend 10-15 minutes reflecting on the triumphs and challenges of the week while the other person listens. Tell each other one thing you plan to do to take care of yourself that week and help to hold each other accountable for self-care.
Offer acts of service. Especially if you’ve felt disengaged from others or are having trouble connecting with what’s meaningful, consider finding a way to help someone else. Volunteer at a food pantry, shovel the snow from a neighbor’s sidewalk, watch your sister’s kids so she can leave the house for a couple of hours, or find a buddy to help pick up trash around your neighborhood. If you can’t leave the house, can you send encouraging postcards to friends and neighbors? You surely can imagine many more ways than this to be of service to someone else.
Engage in meaningful rituals. Group rituals such as birthday parties, funerals, communal worship, and even sporting events have often been interrupted or impossible to attend during the pandemic. When you can do so safely, find ways to re-engage in these important group rituals. If you can’t engage with a group, what rituals can you incorporate into your own life? Whether they be of remembrance or celebration, rituals center us and remind of those things we find meaningful. Write letters, plant in the garden, write in a journal, make art, walk in the park, attend worship in-person or via livestream, find a friend who will watch the game with you on TV - all of these and so many more rituals make up the meaningful moments in life.
Seek Help When You Need It
We’ve all been through a lot over the past couple of years, and there’s no shame in admitting we need extra support. My list of reasons why we feel unmoored these days and the tools for coping are not exhaustive by any means. There are so many reasons we could be struggling, and different coping strategies may be more or less helpful for some people. If you’re feeling stuck or are worried you might be dealing with a deeper mental health issue, please reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or healthcare professional.
Individual therapy or a support group, along with medication when appropriate, are all tools to help shore up your coping and help you regain some sense of balance. You don’t have to do this alone.
